Is your child, or the child of someone you know being bullied?
It’s frustrating to know that someone you love finds themself feeling cornered, threatened, or just being made fun of.
But if you understand the core reasons your loved one is being bullied, it’s easier for you to help them to get through this difficult time… and even come out on the other side feeling more calm and self-respect than before!
What is Bullying?
Bullying is a form of social contract. We normally think of a person that’s being bullied as an outcast, but that’s not really the case. A bully actually needs a victim in their life to maintain their sense of superiority.
For this reason a bully may insult, belittle, or even threaten their victim… but not actually want them to go away. They will alternate being nice and being difficult. They will hold out the promise of acceptance (under conditions of course), then take away that acceptance because of any real or imagined transgression of the “rules”… rules that are set of course by the bully and his followers.
The Dirty Little Secret About Bullies
…is that their behavior makes sense to them because of their own experience. Bullying is a learned behavior. Show me any bully and I will show you a victim of bullying! The damage may have been done already and left a mark, but it’s more likely a current situation. Someone close to the bully that you know about is using the same tactics on them: holding out the carrot of love and acceptance while controlling the access to it. It’s all about control.
Many bullies are actually quite charming and affable, unless you find yourself on their bad side. For this reason they have a group of friends that are all part of the contract too: acceptance under conditions. The whole group takes the lead from the bully to know who is “in” and who is “out”.
Do You Know Someone that is Being Bullied?
If you know someone in a bullying situation, you won’t be able to help them by rescuing them. They may even resist your defending them, saying “aww, so-and-so isn’t really all that bad.” That’s the social contract working there. To really help someone that’s being bullied you need to help them understand what is happening and why.
The first and most important step in stopping a bully is to recognize what is happening. You and your bully are in the middle of a social contract in which both sides get something: recognition, attention, a kind of “place”.
In this situation the bully gets to have the upper hand, and his or her victim gets to know their value. Even the victim knows that they are in last place, at least they know their place. And there is a perverse kind of comfort in that.
The solution is not to seek the group’s acceptance or the bully’s approval or non-approval according to the “rules”. It’s time to break the social contract.
How to Stop a Bully
The only way to stop a bully is to stop playing by their rules.
This means a confrontation. It doesn’t necessarily mean an out-and-out fight… it may only mean interrupting the bully’s tactics and saying something as simple as “Look, I can be your friend but not this way.” or “Hey I get it, you’re the boss around here. But, listen… I’m gonna go hang out with folks that don’t need a bunch of rules to get along.”
Calling out the situation for what it is (and offering an alternative) is very effective.
And really, the bully craves this. He wants to have chums, buddies… without feeling as though he needs to intimidate and control anyone to have them. He wants to know his place too, he wants companionship that is safe.
What if Talking Doesn’t Work?
But see, it does work! You state your terms to the bully and to anyone else that’s around, watching to see how he or she reacts. There will be a difference in the energy in the room. The bully’s allies will begin questioning their loyalty to the bully. One or more may even take your side!
But let’s say that your bully doesn’t back down or deflect. They seem intent on inflicting judgment. Take your cue from the bully and call their bluff. What are the big, bad consequences if not doing the bully’s bidding?
If cutting off access to the group is threatened, fine. Leave. You don’t need friends like these.
If physical violence is threatened, fine. You’ve not been in control. Now is the time to take control. You don’t escalate by threatening back. Simply put up your hands and say, “Listen Bobby. I didn’t want to fight, but you’ve got me in a box here.”
By standing ready to defend yourself, you gain the respect of the bully and the group.Most bullies secretly long for someone to call their bluff. Many will call off the consequences or negotiate to change the relationship somehow.
Is That All There Is to Stopping a Bully?
We obviously can’t go into every situation here in one blog post. And there is the possibility of actual violence in any bullying situation. We’re not advocating violence, not suggesting that WE should now become the bully. But it will be important to be prepared to defend yourself if necessary…
There are more resources available at Freedom School of Martial Arts to help kids and adults that are concerned with bullying. We have a free workbook that goes more in depth, just write info@freedomschool.com . Also, call Chief Instructor Kurt Frankenberg at (719) 360-9559 for a free consultation about your particular situation. It’s possible NOT to live with bullying!
